The potion that gave us a second chance
by fafablack
Summary: Set after "Harry Potter and the goblet of fire". Sirius and Severus are forced by Dumbledore to deal with their issues using veritaserum. While they revisit their past, they discover something that will change their lives.
1. Chapter 1

**"The potion that gave us a second chance"**

 **CHAPTER 1**

Sirius had to give it to Dumbledore. The old man had a unique ability to make you agree to do almost anything he wanted. He didn't think anyone had ever uttered the word "no" to him, and Sirius of course was no exception. That's how he found himself engaging in a staring contest with none other than Severus Snape. They were sitting across each other with a vial of truth serum in front of them, thankfully it wasn't as strong as the one used by aurors, meaning it didn't turn you into a mindless zombie willing to spill your guts. Thank Merlin for small mercies. No man showed any sigh of moving. Sirius could swear the veritaserum was taunting him. After they stayed like that for what it felt like a year, Sirius decided to make the first step.

"Let's get it over with. I have more important things to do." He took a sip and gave the rest to Snape.

"Like what?" His voice was dripping with sarcasm. "Scratch your ears? Chase your tail? Oh I know... hunt rats for dinner. Oh, how the mighty have fallen!".

The pleased smile on Snape's face really got on his nerves. The slimy git always knew how to get under his skin. Anger made a brief appearance on his face, before it was quickly covered by a smirk Snape knew all too well. Two could play this game. "I was actually thinking about taking a bath, not that you would be familiar with the concept." Before Snape had a chance to respond, Black continued. "Just drink the damn potion!"

They both waited for a few seconds for the potion to take effect, or for the earth to shallow them whole. The latter much better scenario than the first. A few more seconds passed before Snape broke the silence.

"Did you betray the Potters to the Dark Lord?"

Straight to the point then. That was good. "No."

"Who was their secret keeper?"

"Peter Pettigrew."

Snape took a while before he asked his next question, mostly because he wasn't sure he could handle the answer. He waited for years for an explanation, for some kind of reason behind Black's actions... The time had finally come, but was he ready for it? He had no idea… He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and asked.

"Why did you try to kill me?"

Sirius looked at him like he had gown a second head, which was just as scowling as the first one, by the way. "What are you talking about? I never tried to kill you. Although the same can't be said about you. Dementor's kiss, ring any bells?"

"The hell you didn't!" He stood up abruptly, fury written all over his face. "You sent me to that shack knowing very well there was a werewolf on the other side of the door.

A puzzled look came over his face "Is this a joke?"

"I assure you the experience was nothing but. You lied to me. You played me like a fucking violin, you made me believe you actually cared and then you tried to turn me into a werewolf's dinner… and for what? So you and your pathetic friends could have some laughs at the expense of poor little Snivellus?" He took a couple of breaths trying to calm himself before he continued "So I am asking you again. Why?"

A stunned look came over Sirius's face. "What are you on about? There is no one around, Snape, so drop the act. Quit playing the innocent victim, because we both know I never told you how to get through the willow."

Snape kept staring at him waiting for the punch line. He could not understand what Black was playing at. He knew he could not be lying, he had made that potion with his own hands. He was a fucking potion master for crying out loud, he could make this thing in his sleep. Had black lost his mind in azkaban and actually believed that had nothing to do with that so called prank? No, that could not be the case. He had no trouble admitting it last year in front of potter and his stupid friends. He had actually sounded quite proud of himself... Bastard.. So what the hell was going on?

"None of us can lie."

Black snorted. "No shit, Sherlock. I thought you had more confident in your potion skills. Or your talents are limited to terrorizing poor innocent students?"

He didn't pay any attention to Sirius's comment, he remained silent, as if he was trying to decide his next move

"Ask me about the shack."

"What?"

"Ask me how I knew about the passage."

Sirius crossed his arms and frowned. He didn't understand what Snape was trying to prove, but went on with it. "How did you know how to get through the willow?"

"You told me.. You asked me to meet you there at the night of the full moon."

"No, I didn't!"

"Yes, you did."

'None of us can lie'. The words started playing on repeat in his head. Ok, now he was sure the veritaserum was taunting him. He kept staring at it, like it was holding all the answers in the world. And then his mind decided, against his will, to take a little trip back to that night, that damn night that had haunted him for years.  
 _  
He could still remember like it was yesterday the moment Severus -yes, it was Severus back then- came out of the shack, screaming at Sirius, accusing him of trying to kill him, and then demanding that Sirius would be expelled.. He could not understand what was going on. Why would Severus make up such a lie, they had been together for months, they were supposed to love each other for fuck's sake.. What was he playing at? Until it hit him.. Snape didn't love him, it was all an act.. A sick joke. That had probably been the plan all along. Get close to him, find information and then use it against him. The relationship, the decelerations of love, all part of his twisted little plan to hurt him for all the stupid jokes he and his friend had played on him over the years. What a brilliant plan! So many feelings had come crushing at him at once.. Anger, betrayal, hate, despair. And then all that was left was numbness.._

 _In the end Sirius had just taken the blame for the prank.. It was better this way.. Let his friends think he hated the slytherin git so much he was willing to feed him to a werewolf.. It was better than admitting that, not only he had been played, but had been left broken hearten, by non other than Severus fucking Snape. The next day he went back to hating him.. or at least that was what he kept telling himself.. He thought if he said that enough times he would believe it eventually. Oh, how naive he was.. Because at the end of the day Severus Snape was the first man he had ever loved, and if he was honest with himself, he was the last one too.._

He didn't know how long he had stayed there, trapped inside his painful memories, but suddenly, feeling quite determined he stood up from the chair, took a pensive from Dumbledore's office and placed it in front of Snape. "Show me the memory", he said in a voice that left no room for argument, "show me what happened that night!"


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: First of all, I would like to thank you for coming back for my second chapter, this is my first fan-fiction so my confident is not too high. Secondly, in case it was not completely obvious, English is not my first language so please forgive any minor mistakes, but feel free to point out the serious ones. Enjoy!

CHAPTER 2

 _A young Severus Snape was pacing the corridor, casting a glance around every few seconds. It was quite clear he was waiting for someone, and that someone was late. Shortly after, a young Sirius Black appeared._

"Sorry I'm late, James needed my help, and I couldn't say no."

"Of course, who can say 'no' to precious little Potter? Who cares if I've been waiting here for over 15 minutes.", the sarcasm in his voice was unmistakable, as was his resentment for James.

"Oh, come on, he is my best friend. And I said I was sorry." Snape looked rather unimpressed, if his raised eyebrow was anything to go by. "I promise I will make it up to you..", Black added then with a mischievous grin.

Sirius's eyes were fixed on their younger selves. Snape, on the other hand, was doing a pretty good job at looking at anywhere but them. He had been haunted by that memory for years, he was not about to put himself through that again. He was many things, but a masochist was not.

 _"Why don't you meet me at the shrieking shack later tonight? No one will bother us there. Just prod the knot on the Whomping Willow's trunk with a stick." young Black suggested._

Sirius drew a sharp breath. He turned his head towards Snape who avoided any eye contact. He looked back at the scene in front of him and came face to face with the most excruciating revelation, they had both been played. He was instantly consumed by anger. They had both been victims of some twisted plot, because that guy there, he sure as hell was not him. He couldn't have been. But whoever that fraud was, he had done his homework. He knew about Remus's condition and his relationship with Snape. A relationship not even his best friends were aware of. He studied the impostor to try to figure out who was, but to no avail. His movements, his tone, his posture, everything was spot on. But then, he got a glimpse of something that made his heart sink. No, this wasn't right... He took a few hesitant steps to stand right next to 'fake Sirius' and that's when his fear was confirmed. A long silver chain with a flying broom pedant was hanging from his neck. He thought he was gonna be sick. This couldn't be. He knew that necklace, he would have recognized it everywhere. He had bought that thing himself as gift for...

"James?"

Snape was lost in his own thoughts when he felt Black pulling him out of the memory.

"Why did you..", Before he had a chance to finish his sentence, he was interrupted by a crashing sound. Sirius had grabbed the first thing he had found on Dumbeldore's desk and threw it against the wall. "That fucking Bastard!" He was beside himself with fury. He went on tossing every single items he could get his hands on. "That disgusting son of a bitch!" And when he run out of objects to smash, he just flipped over the desk itself.

Severus Snape was rooted to the spot, he had no idea how to react to the scene playing before him. The Sirius Black in front of him bore little to no resemblance to the man that had gone into the pensive only a few minutes ago. This Sirius Black was like a wild animal, completely uncontrollable and utterly unpredictable. He reminded him of the unbalanced man the aurors had arrested 14 years ago, the one who was laughing like a lunatic after he had supposedly killed 13 people. The sight was unnerving, and made him feel completely helpless.

"Black, what is.."

"It was James.."

The name send chills down his spine. "What?"

"That wasn't me.. That was fucking James.. James.. He did it.. I can't.. How could this be.. I don't .. " He ran his hands through his hair and gripped it hard. "He destroyed everything.. fuck.. I can't.. " His breathing became labored, his mouth gasping as he struggled for air. A panicked Severus tried to calm him.

"Black, you need to calm down, you're going to hurt yourself... Black!" He grabbed him and held him tight in an attempt to soothe him. His soft and kind voice was a far cry from his usual intimidating tone. "Please, Sirius, you have to breathe. Please". It was the first time in almost twenty years he had called him by his first name, which didn't go unnoticed by the other man. Sirius's breathing slowed and evened. He then put his head on Severus' s shoulder, like he had done so many times in the past.

"We could have been happy.. we could have had a life together.. and he stole that from us." He almost sounded like a helpless child when he spoke. "Everything would have been different. You probably wouldn't even have.." He looked up. A sudden realization hit him hard, making him feel sick to his stomach and he prayed to whatever gods were listening that he was wrong. "That's what made you do it, isn't it? It was after that, you took the mark..". His eyes were almost pleading, begging Severus to tell him 'no', that he was being an idiot.

Severus averted his gaze and said nothing, he didn't want admit that his "lover's betrayal" had driven him straight to Voldemort and his cronies. That he had been so angry and hurt back then, he thought becoming a deatheater would give him a purpose, a place where he could channel all his anger into power. He was no longer going to be a victim. It was supposed to be a big "fuck you" to everyone who had ever wronged him. How foolish had he been.. His silence was the only confirmation Sirius needed. He suddenly felt completely worn out, like there was no fight left in him. His knees gave out and he slumped against the wall.

"He completely ruined our lives." A humorless laugh escaped his mouth. "Now I have two best friends in my resume that have turned my life to shit." No one said anything for a while. Snape opened his mouth a couple of times, but he was unable to form any words. What could he say anyway? He always believed Potter to be an arrogant bastard who considered himself a gift to humanity, but he never thought he could be outright sinister, at least not towards someone who called his best friend.

"Why?" Sirius's voice came as a whisper, but was loud enough to pull him out his thoughts. That's when Snape realized there were tears in Sirius's eyes. It was an unsettling sight, and only made him hate Potter even more. He wished he had him in front of him, he would really put in good use all the dark curses he had mastered over the years. "He was my best friend, my brother in all but blood. I was willing to die for him… I don't understand… Why would he do this?"

'Because he was a selfish bastard?' Snape wanted to say. 'Because he hated him? Perhaps he thought he was doing his friend a favor. Or he was just a cruel mother fucker who found pleasure in destroying others happiness'. He should know. Potter had managed to take away from him the only two people he had ever loved, both his best friend and his lover. But he refrained from telling Sirius so, and just settled for an unconvincing "I don't know".

Black couldn't help but snort at the answer. "You are such a lousy liar. How you were ever able to spy on Voldemort is beyond me."

An involuntary laugh escaped his mouth, even though there was nothing remotely funny about the situation. Snape approached the other man and sat by his side.

"There are many possible reasons behind his actions, but in the end, the only one with the answers is Potter himself."

None of them said anything else. They just sat there, next to each other. Both of them tired, dejected, angry, and with no idea where to go from there.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Remus Lupin was worried, of course that didn't say much because Remus Lupin was almost always worried, it was a curse actually. This time, his main concern was for his best friend, or rather his only friend if he was being honest. Sirius had showed up on his doorstep five days ago, and his spirit was almost immediately lifted upon seeing padfoot there. And boy, did he need that. But his excitement over seeing his best friend again was short lived and quickly turned to uneasiness. At first things were normal, they spend some time catching up with each other, they talked about Dumbledore's plans regarding the Order and of course Harry. It was when Harry's name was mentioned that Sirius first got a little uncomfortable, but Remus dismissed it. But then he realized there was something that really bothered him. He became withdrawn and moody, he would spend his days mostly smoking and drinking, and every time Remus asked him what was wrong he just put on a fake smile and assure him he was fine. But he was anything but fine.

At first he believed Sirius was still shaken up by the news of Voldemort's return, who wouldn't be, right? When Remus himself had heard the news he was socked to the core, even if deep down he kind of always knew this day would come, it still horrified him to no end. The first war had left its deep scars on everyone who was lucky enough to survive it, and no one was ready for the terror to start all over again. Sirius was one of the most unfortunate victims, not only had he lost the people he loved the most, but also his freedom. The thought of Azkaban gave him chills, he couldn't even begin to imagine how it was for him, trapped in cell, surrounded by those foul creatures sucking every last bit of happiness out of him. The first night of Sirius's stay, Remus had woken up by the agonizing screams of his friend, he had rushed to the living room to find him shaking and drenched in sweat. After that, he only slept in his dog form.  
It was easy to assume that padfoot's behavior was a result of the years in Azkaban or fear for the inevitable war and worry over Harry's safety. But Remus knew better. He was sure there was something more that troubled his fellow marauder, and he was going to find out, but for now his first priority was to cheer him up and get him off that bloody armchair he had become one with. He went to the living room and sure enough, there he was, siting in 'the armchair', looking at an empty space, lost in his own word. There was a lit cigarette on his hand and about twelve or thirteen in the ashtray, and it wasn't even noon yet. At least he was drinking coffee and not firewiskey. Remus really needed to get him out of that miserable state and he truly hoped what he carried in his hand would do the trick.

"Hey padfoot. I have something for you." He said in an overly enthusiastic -and hopefully infectious- voice as he walked in, holding a sealed envelope behind his back.

"What?" He sounded bored, he didn't even turn his head to look at him.

"Here." He brought the envelope in front of him. "It's a letter from Harry, it arrived a few minutes ago."

Unfortunately, that didn't have the reaction he had hoped, in fact there was no reaction at all for a few seconds. The only indication he had actually heard him was the little frown that appeared on his face. Then Sirius took the letter in his hand, looked at it like it had personally offended him, and put it on the coffee table without opening it.

"Aren't you going to read it?" Confusion was evident in his voice.

"Later." He took his mug and washed down the remainder of his coffee.

"But, it's from Harry."

"Yea, we already established that." He responded, looking at his empty cup like it was the most interesting thing in the world. "It's not a big deal, it's just a letter, it can wait."

Just a letter? What the hell? Sirius's apathetic attitude over Harry was what finally did it, it was time for him to address the elephant in the room.

"Ok, what's wrong with you? I don't understand. You don't want to see how your godson is doing, a kid who, only a few days ago, experienced the most horrific thing in his life, you just sit there all day, brooding, drinking and smoking cigarette after cigarette. That's not like you."

Remus should have expected what happened next, after five days of calm, the storm was about to come sooner or later.

"Not like me.. "Sirius said, almost to himself, with a harsh chuckle as he shook his head. He eyes remained focused on his mug, then his expression changed, became darker and turned to Remus, his voice cold as ice "And what 'me' would that be, exactly? The teen you remember at Hogwarts, joking around with friends and making fun of your ridiculous belief that any disease known to mankind can be cured by a piece of chocolate? Or the twenty-one year old who was laughing at death and thought he was completely indestructible?" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I've spent 80% of my adult life in a prison cell. So how could you possibly know what I am supposed to be like, when I don't?"

Remus had absolutely no idea how to respond, but he knew one thing, Sirius was right. He was no longer the same man, Azkaban had a deep impact on him, and as much as he liked to pretend that everything was the same, nothing was.

"I am sorry, padfoot.. "

Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "No, I am sorry Moony. I shouldn't have snapped at you. None of this is your fault."

"Look, I know I can't turn back the clock or erase the last fourteen years, but I need you to realize that I am here for you, for whatever you need me. You are still my friend, Pads, never forget that, ok?... So please, don't keep me out."

Sirius sat there, contemplating whether or not he should talk to him, tell him what was really bothered him. He didn't think he could find the proper words to explained everything he had learned about James, how could explained something even he hadn't make sense of, yet. He was spending his days trying to figure out why his so called brother had acted like that, but he had come up empty. Was there any point? Another part of him, a more selfish one, was anxious of Remus's reaction over his past relationship with Severus, but he immediately felt ashamed and angry. Who cares what the hell Moony thinks? In the end he settled for two words: "It's James.."

"James?.." The name took him a little by surprise, what did James have to do with anything, then he understood. "Oh, Padfoot, I know you miss him, I miss him too."

Again, Sirius's reaction left him puzzled, speechless, and more than a little hurt. He started laughing, but there was nothing amusing about the death of their friend. "I don't believe I said anything funny." It was clear that Remus felt offended by this, and who could really blame him?

"Actually you did.. because you see, I spent years missing him, mourning him and feeling guilty, blaming myself for his death, and now I feel like a total idiot."

Remus was ready to ask for more, find out what was the deal with James, but suddenly there was a knock on the door, talk about bad timing. He initially considered ignoring it, Sirius had finally opened up and didn't want to risk him shutting down again. Not to mention, he was curious as hell. There was another knock. Maybe it was Dumbledore with news.. Damn, now he had to answer, so he reluctantly went to open the door. Out of all the people he expected to find there, Severus Snape was not on top of the list.

"Hello Lupin. Can I come in?"

"Umm.. yea, sure.."

"If I am not mistaken there is a certain mongrel that currently lives in your.. ahem...humble abode"

The bit about his home did not escape Lupin's attention, but now was not the time for this. Snape's visit was obviously not social considering their relationship, which was by no means friendly, maybe tolerable at best, and if he was being honest, he hadn't completely forgiven Snape for costing him his job. So it was quite clear his sudden appearance meant business, especially if he wanted to talk to Sirius too, which made him feel a little uneasy. Was it Voldemort, Dumbledore? Had something happened to Harry?

"Please, Lupin, even your thoughts are giving me a headache."

"Oh, look, if it isn't the bat of the dungeons." Both men turned to see Sirius standing with his back against the wall, with a cigarette in one hand and a smirk on his face. "Tell me Snape, is it safe for you to wander around in broad daylight? We wouldn't want you to spontaneously combust now, would we?"

'Oh, boy', Lupin thought, 'that's not going to end well.'

Snape didn't miss a beat. "We should only hope that it happens before the fleas that reside in your fur decide my hair offer better accommodation."

Merlin, how Sirius had missed his sharp tongue. "Not possible", he answered with a self-satisfied smug, "even fleas have standards."

Lupin was ready to interfere and tell them to knock it off with the insults, their grudge had lasted long enough. But then he realized, there was no actual malice in their voice, their tone was almost... teasing. Wait, did Sirius just wink at Snape?.. Ok, that was strange, but it was also the first glimpse of the old Sirius Black.

"Can we talk? Alone?". Snape's voice pulled him out of his thoughts, he was about to answer when he realized his question was directed to Sirius. Well, that was not very promising, Sirius and Snape in the same room, completely alone, was a recipe for disaster.

The two men went into the kitchen and closed the door, leaving one Remus Lupin alone and utterly lost.

A/N: I know there wasn't much SB/SS action in this chapter, but i will make for it with the next one.

Shian, thank you for your review, I am glad you liked the story. I have to agree with you about James, he kind of is ooc, but I really didnt want to make someone like Peter the bad guy again. The reason behind what james did is going to be adressed, brobably in the next chapter, and hopefully offer some answers.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

It was safe to say that the last few days had not been easy for one Severus Snape, he had spent most of them attempting to process everything he had learned and then trying to gather up the courage to face Sirius. Every day he would wake up with every intention to go and talk to him, but each time he found a different excuse not to. Yes, it was kind of ridiculous, he was brave enough to spy on the Dark Lord, but when it came to confronting his old lover was a total coward. How pathetic was that? The answer was 'very'. So after five days of brooding and hiding, he decided enough was enough, it was time for them to talk.

That's how he found himself in Lupin's kitchen, with a cup of tea in his hands, Black on the other side of the table, and a very uncomfortable silence between them. Not a single word came out of either man's mouth for a while, both unable to find the right ones. It never used to be this awkward with them, their encounters would either involve flirting and fooling around or insults and curses, they were bantering just a few minutes ago, and now this? It was a completely new territory, and not pleasant at all. At some point Snape even considered throwing a curse at Black just to get some kind of reaction other than starring, but he didn't think it would sit well with the other man. Finally, he decided to speak first, because if he left it to the stupid mutt they would probably stay there until Christmas. And people said Gryffindors are the brave ones.

"How have you been?"

Well, that was the million-dollar question. He tried to collect his thoughts, before he finally answered. "Tired, I guess.. I haven't had a decent sleep in.. well, you know. And by the looks of it, you didn't get much sleep either.. I've been angry... confused, lost but mostly drank.." He didn't miss the brief disappointed in Severus's face when he mentioned the last part and he immediately felt the need to justify himself. He was the only person that could have that effect on him. "It's the only time my mind doesn't get bombarded by the 'whys' and 'ifs'." He paused for a few seconds, lit a cigarette and took a long drag before he continued. "The truth is; I am a complete mess. I can't even read the bloody letter my godson sent me, he is probably scared out of his mind and I can't even bring myself to open it. I am a thirty-six-year-old man holding a grudge against a fifteen-year-old for something that wasn't even his fault. You can't get more pitiful than that." It was the first time he said that aloud and it made him feel like a complete jerk. He stood up and went to grab a drink, he really needed a good glass of firewhiskey, but as he reached for the bottle he decided against it, coffee would have to do for now.

"I think that what Potter did, had more to do with his hate for me, than you."

"What do you mean?"

Severus himself couldn't care less about Potter's reasons, that bastard had screwed up their lives and that was that, but for Sirius the 'why' was important. Even if he was just speculating, he hoped he could give him some sort of explanation.

"It's no secret that he detested me, granted, he wasn't the only one, but his reasons were more personal.. He couldn't get over the fact that I had a much closer relationship with the girl he wanted, than he did. And I am pretty sure that every time he got rejected by Lily, he would somehow find a way to blame me for it."

Sirius couldn't help but agree with that. He was more than a little familiar with James's outbursts, always yelling how that 'slimy slytherin creep' was the reason Lily kept turning him down, because God forbid a girl said no to the great Potter because he was a Jerk, no it had to be someone else's fault.

"And then, to make matter even worst I had the 'audacity' to go after his best friend, I don't know how he found out, but I don't reckon he took the news very well. Learning about us must have been the final straw for him, and that 'prank' was his way of punishing me for taking away from him, not only his girl, but his friend too."

"You act as if that justify anything. It doesn't and nothing will."

"I know it doesn't." As Snape reached for his cup, Sirius noticed a slight tremor in his hand which caused more than a little worry. A worry that quickly turned to panic when he realized, it wasn't just his hand, his whole body was trembling. He rushed to his side.

"Severus, what's wrong? ... You're shaking.."

In a true Snape manner, he tried to brush it off as nothing, but his little act of indifference didn't really fool anyone, not when he was actually hissing in pain. "It's no big deal, just a side effect.." He said through gritted teeth, then he took a small vial out of his pocket, which was easier said than done, and took a sip. In a matter of seconds, the trembling subsidized, but that didn't do much to calm Sirius's nerves.

"What was that?" He asked, almost whispering, as he let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

"I told you, a side effect." His voice was very matter of fact and left little room for argument. He really wished Sirius would drop the subject and pretend that nothing had happened. Oh, who was he kidding? Of course he wouldn't let it go.. Stubborn idiot..

"A side effect from what?"

"Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to."

"Severus.. please."

He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes, he really didn't want to see Black's reaction. "Cruciatus"

His blood ran cold while an expression of pure horror came over his face. "Damn it" He banged his hand on the table and stood up, knocking off his chair in the process. He was beyond angry; he was pissed off. He could just kill Dumbledore right now, what the hell was he thinking sending Severus, HIS Severus to spy on that psycho? He was pacing back and forth like a caged animal while Snape remained totally stoic, which only added fuel to the fire.

"Do you realize the danger you put yourself in? It's a bloody suicide, do you really believe you can fool Voldemort? He considers you one of his own and still torture you, what do you think is going to happen if he discovers your role? Fuck!" He slumped against the sink, head bowed. "Why does it have to be you?"

"Someone has to do it, if we want to have any hope in winning this war. Besides, I am doing just fine." He wasn't sure who was trying to convince with that last bit, Sirius or himself, but either way, he wasn't doing a very good job.

"Yes, I can see that." His voice was dripping with sarcasm, but then his face softened and his eyes became suspiciously wet. "This is so fucked up." He rubbed his eyes with his hand trying to stop the tears that were threatening to spill. He walked over to the table and sat right next to him. "Please Severus, you can't keep this up. It's too risky... I can't lose you again." His hand reached out for Snape's, a gesture that wasn't very appreciated by the other man, he immediately stood up after slapping his hand away, leaving Sirius shocked and with a miserable expression.

"You act as if you already have me. Wake up Black. This isn't some romantic old lovers reunion, we are not going to run into each other's arms and then live happily ever after.." He was yelling at that point. "That's not how real life works.."

Sirius should have seen the outburst coming because, heavens forbid if Severus Snape admit he is not alright or show any sign of weakness. He had written the book on hiding your insecurities under thick layers of anger and intimidation. This was a man who had no problem putting his head on the line, risking his life for the 'Greater Good', as Dumbledore liked to put it, but always kept his heart deeply hidden, to the point where people had trouble believing he actually had one. He could see Snape building up a wall again, a wall specifically designed to keep him out, and he could not allow that. So, in true Sirius fashion, he decided to do something crazy and impulsive and what could possibly be his cause of death.

"I Love you." He declared with pure determination. There, he'd said it, there was no going back now.

Snape snorted. "What you feel is not love, is nostalgia, a sad attempt to recapture what we once had."

His indifferent tone, and listless attitude towards his confession, hurt Sirius more than he was willing to admit. There he was, declaring his love for the other man, and he was acting as if it was nothing. Actually it didn't just hurt him, it angered him. How dare he, telling him what he is supposed to feel?

"Is that how you see it? As nostalgia?"

"Look, just because you loved be back then doesn't mean you love me now, the things you want, Black, I can't give them to you. I am a lonely, judgmental bitter old man."

"Oh, Severus, you were always a judgmental and bitter old man, even when you were fifteen."

"Do you really think, insulting me will help your case?" Asked with what he hoped was a very intimidating voice, but the smile on Sirius's face told him otherwise.

"I think it's funny how you worry about me liking the new you, and not the other way around." Then his smile disappeared and was replaced by a solemn expression. "I am a broken man Severus, I can't even sleep unless I am a fucking dog, because every time I close my eyes I am back there, back to that God forsaken place, surrounded by dementors." His voice almost cracked but he didn't stop. "Look Severus, if you feel nothing for me, just tell me, and I will try to find a way to be ok with it.." _Liar_ , his inner voice almost screamed, _there is no way you will be ok_. "But if you have even the tiniest feelings for me, please, don't turn away from this. We have this rare opportunity to start again, to see where this could go, don't throw it away. We can go as quick or as slow as you need, just promise me you will give us a chance, we owe it to ourselves to at least try. Don't you think we've earned the right to be happy?"

Snape stood there, totally overwhelmed and with no idea how to respond. He had come to accept years ago the fact that he was going to spent the rest of his life utterly alone, no family, no real friends, no long term lover, just him and his potions. And when he died he would be remembered as the daunting potion professor who could scare the living crap out of first year students, and maybe some people would recognize him for his efforts in the war as a spy for Dumbledore, or an evil deatheater, depending on who you asked. And he was fine with that, it was safe and familiar. But did it make him happy? No. Frankly, he hadn't been happy for years, not after Sirius. He would never forget how complete and alive he felt during those months. Black always had that effect on him. Even now, he could feel his heart dancing like crazy just by being in the same room with him. I was like a drug, a drug he desperately wanted back, fuck the consequences..

"Well, I will be hanged if I let that bastard Potter win."

He then grabbed Sirius by his shirt and kissed him with no warning. All the words he couldn't form, all the feelings he was unable to express, were conveyed to that one kiss. They only stopped to retrieve their breaths, while pressing their foreheads against each other's, both sporting the most ridiculously happy smiles. Yes, Severus Snape had a smile on his face, not a smirk or a sneer, but an actual smile.. The first real one in almost twenty years..

Sirius was right, to hell with everyone, they deserved to be happy..


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

Sirius Black was a very, very angry man, and the main reason for that anger was none other than Albus Dumbledore. Ever since his old headmaster had suggested -or more like, kindly demanded- to use his childhood home as headquarter for the order he had become number 4 in Sirius' hate list, right under Voldemort, Pettigrew and James. Ok. maybe he was exaggerating just a little bit, but still. Damn that old fool... It didn't matter if he meant well, Dumbledore made him feel like a fucking puppet. Actually, he felt like they were all puppets and their precious leader was holding the strings, but it was for the 'greater good', and apparently that made everything ok..Well, most of the time, anyway.. Because for Sirius these strings had started to resemble a leash. A leash that held him hostage and prevent him from doing anything useful, other than making the house habitable. Great! The other members were risking their lives, and he was siting around playing house keeper. It wasn't long before he started getting the sense that he had traded one prison for another.

There were some days better than others, mostly when he had some company other than his firewiskey or the very obnoxious house elf who hated his guts. Remus tried to come and visit as much as possible, even if it was to help him with the house or just have a silly conversation over a cup of tea. No matter the reason, his visits were always welcomed and Sirius couldn't help but feel touched by Remus efforts to rebuilt their friendship. Unfortunately, they were many days when his loneliness and the emptiness he felt became too much, when he could feel the walls around him closing in, ready to crush him. And just like that, he was back in Azkaban.

But the emptiness he felt was almost nothing compare to the emotional roller coaster he was constantly on, courtesy of one Severus Snape. It was amazing how a single person could be the greatest source of both happiness and anguish. Severus was by far, the best thing that had ever happened to him and he thanked whatever deity existed that he was given a second chance with him. Every time Snape would visit it was like the rest of the word faded away, and nothing else mattered, just them. Sometimes it was like nothing had changed, as if they had picked up where they had left off, and other times it felt completely new and foreign, which made it even more exiting.

Sadly, the euphoric feeling that consumed him when Snape was around was replaced by despair every time he had to watch him leave, not knowing when he was going to see him again. Each time, Sirius was bombarded by the same questions: ' _What if Voldemort hurts him again? Can he really fool them? How long can he keep this up? When is it going to end? Why does he have to be him? Am I going to see him again?'_.

His mood swings were becoming a common theme, and a running joke between the order members. Right now he was on 'depressed mode', he hadn't heard from Snape in two days and he was beyond worry. He knew he was going to spend some time in Malfoy Manor hoping to extract some information from Lucius who had, somehow, managed to climb the death eater ladder rather quickly.

An hour passes and Snape is nowhere to be seen. Sirius just sits there, waiting, smoking cigarette after cigarette and trying his hardest not to completely freak out. He takes a sip from his firewiskey and starts pacing around trying to ignore the ticking sound from the old clock in the kitchen, each sound more offensive than the last. When the clock strikes ten he is beside himself. Somethings must have happened and he is five seconds away from barging in that fucking manor and find Snape, consequences be damned. He is already formulating a rescue plan when a familiar silky voice interrupts his thoughts.

"Are you going to offer me some of that whiskey? It's been a long day."

When Severus came into the kitchen, Sirius wasn't sure if he wanted to hug him and never let go or punch him for scaring him like that. In the end he decided to go with the first option, the latter could wait. All he wanted to do now was to be with the other man and make sure he was ok. But of course Snape had to beat him to that.

"Are you alright?" Severus asked.

"Me? You are the one who spent his weekend with wizard Hitler and his demented servants, when all I did was cleaning the house and fighting a stupid boggard that was hiding in the closet."

"That's why I am asking." Snape might have spent years without Sirius, but he did know the other man. Even when he was younger he would use humor and stupid jokes to disguise his pain. Severus knew Sirius was a fighter and being trapped in that house unable to help, was probably killing him.

"Can we pretend for a while that we are just two guys who want to spend a relaxing evening at home after one of them had a stressful day at work?"

Severus was not above putting whatever troubled him aside and act as if everything was normal, he had actually made a career out of pretending. "We always do that, don't we?", he asks, raising his eyebrow in the most snapish way.

"Well, we are both so good at it". Sirius says with a wink while giving Severus his famous cheeky smile, a smile that never failed to make his knees go weak. Damn, that stupid mutt. "And I think now would be a good time for you to kiss me, Mr. Snape."

Severus doesn't need to be told twice, and he crashes their lips together. It's not long before they feel the familiar sense of apparating and the next second they are both in Sirius' bedroom.

"You take my breath away you know that?" He whispers in Severus ear. Snape kisses him again while trying to unbutton Black's shirt. "Too many clothes", he murmurs between kisses.

Sirius can't help but snort at that. "Look who's talking"

"Oh, shut up"

"Make me"

And he does. Twenty seconds later they are both naked and laying in bed. Sirius settles on top of him, his eyes locked with Snape's as he runs his finger over his body. "God I love you."

Severus almost freezes at that, even though it shouldn't come as the surprise. Sirius never hid the fact that he loved him, on the contrary, he was quite vocal about it, the problem lied with him. He hadn't been able to say it back, not even once. He opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Why couldn't he say it? He loved Black, he was sure of that _._ So what stopped him? He tries to turn his head way, to avoid Sirius disappointed look, but the other man doesn't let him. His eyes are so full of love as he stares at him, that makes Snape wanting to scream 'I love you too, you stupid mutt'.

"I Know, Severus." Sirius voice is soft yet full of determination "I Know."

They are both so lost in that moment, neither of them hears Sirius' name being called, or the bedroom's door opening. It is only when a high pitched scream almost makes their ears bleed that they notice a very shocked, almost petrified man standing under the doorway.

"Oh my God!"

It was official. Remus Lupin had the worst timing in the history of mankind. And he was so dead.

 _  
_


End file.
